


Panic Room

by BehindTheRobinsMask



Series: Till We're In The Sea [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Moving In Together, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 06:13:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BehindTheRobinsMask/pseuds/BehindTheRobinsMask
Summary: Dick knew that he was broken and he couldn't be fixed.Reconciling with the family was easy but coming to terms with the changes in his life has been difficult, especially when Dick is reluctant to accept anyone's help.





	Panic Room

**Author's Note:**

> Song recommendation -  
> 1) Panic Room by Aura  
> 2) Lead Me Back - San Holo

i.

_“Wings spread, a little birdie took flight,” A voice cut through the darkness that surrounded Dick, too close for his liking, an amused whisper in his ear, making goosebumps rise on his skin. He wanted to move away, look for the man who had trapped him but he was bound to a chair, his body refusing to move, voice sealed away. “Wings clipped, a little birdie bled out and died.” Cold fingers pressed against his cheeks and slid down, wrapping around his throat but never squeezing. “The show should have ended but the birdie kept breathing and breathing.” The hold on his neck tightened harshly, lips parting to inhale as tears_ _formed in his eyes. “I guess the game is never-ending.” Dick’s mind screamed in fear as light fell upon him and his head was yanked back, the Joker’s face coming into sight. A slow smile spread across the clown’s face as he took in his victim’s fear._

_“This is all really your fault, Boy Blunder,” the crazed man sighed. “You should have stayed dead when I killed you the first time.”_

_Tremors passed through Dick’s body as he begged his eyes to close, his ears to start bleeding. The Joker remained in his vision, chastising him for being alive while trying to finish the job he started, fingers squeezing hard enough to crush Dick’s windpipe._

_“If you had stayed dead then everyone else wouldn’t have to die.” The Joker grinned wickedly and Dick’s heart that had been hammering in his chest stopped beating._

_A terrifying chill spread throughout his body, slipping under his skin as his mind reeled with this new information. This wasn’t right. The villain had to be lying. After all, Dick had spent his life protecting the ones he loved, doing things that made him hate himself, everything for them. They couldn’t be dead. They just couldn’t._

_No. No. No. No. No._

_“Look what you made me do.” Lights came to life all around Dick, bleeding bodies put to display and his mind screamed and screamed for release, anything to make this pain stop._

_No. No. No. No. No._

_“All of this because of you.” There they lay, every person that Dick had ever loved, had done everything to protect, killed the way he had been. Killed the way he had killed countless others._

_No. No. No. No. No._

_“You should have stayed dead.” Blood pooled around his feet, rising slowly and Dick shivered in his chair, feeling the cool liquid on his bare skin as it swallowed him whole._

_“You should have stayed dead.” This time, there was no Joker. It was just Dick repeating these words to himself, over and over until he drowned in the sea of blood, suffocating eternally but never finding peace._

“Should have stayed dead. Should have stayed dead,” Dick muttered to himself as he lay on his bed, body curled up and shaking, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Should have stayed dead. Should have stayed dead.” Maybe then he wouldn’t have to be tortured every night. In the back of his mind, he knew that what he had seen was a dream, a nightmare and nothing more. But a single flash was enough to send him crashing, throat closing up as he tried to make sense of his shattered mind.

“A dream, a dream, a dream,” he changed the chant, tracing numbers on the palm of his hand, counting down the seconds. His heart rate slowly calmed down and the shadows no longer reflected the Joker’s face. But even then, he kept tracing numbers, he kept chanting, afraid that if he stopped, another nightmare would start.

He didn’t know how long he just lay there but once he was sure he was calm enough to move around, Dick pushed himself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. The entire ordeal had left him sweating and now it drenched his clothes. Stripping down, he turned on the shower and just sat under it, hoping the cold water would clear his mind but it wasn’t meant to be.

As water pelted down on him, he ran his nails over the length of his arms trying to scrape off dry blood from his skin. He scratched and scratched and scratched but even as his silent sobs turned into heartbreaking wails, the blood wouldn’t come off, tainting him forever.

 

ii.

Feeling the cool winds that signaled the arrival of winter in Gotham, Dick sat by a gargoyle, watching the city. Unlike most days, he had left his home for patrol earlier than usual because he needed to get away from his new found family.

Ever since Dick had returned home and reconciled with everyone, every day someone from the family would show up just as he left his safe house for patrol. Some wanted to catch up on time lost, others wanted to get to know him better and Dick appreciated that. He really did. But the closer he got to these people, the more he cared, the worse his nightmares became and now, it had been four nights since he slept peacefully.

Nightmares weren’t a new thing for Dick. For two years after he came back to life, they were all he saw every time he closed his eyes. But over time, the fear had subsided and Dick was able to sleep through the night, dreamless.

Leaning against the gargoyle, he rubbed his eyes and watched the sunset, darkness spreading across Gotham. Soon, the city would be taken over by Bats and even though Dick wanted to stay out, keep an eye on things, his body was much too tired to do anything. Maybe if he took a nap now, his mind would be too tired to terrorize him.

Swinging through the city and ignoring the sound of the night, Dick found himself back at his safe house within minutes but stopped outside the window he usually used to get in. Peeking in, he could see the silhouette of a man in his kitchen. Slipping out a knife, he slunk inside, ready to attack but the lights came on, revealing Jason who was bent over his phone, his back to Dick.

“Oh, hey Dickie. I was wondering when you were coming back,” Jason said, looking up, holding his helmet in one hand, domino lying on the counter. “Didn’t mean to spook ya but the current went out. I swear I wasn’t purposely lurking in the dark to look creepy,” he added, noticing the knife Dick held in his hand.

“How did you find this place?” Dick asked, sheathing his weapon.

“Put a tracker on your clothes the last time we met. I was curious about where you’re staying and I have to say, it’s not what I expected,” Jason answered with a shrug.

Dick clenched his fists as he looked away from Jason, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I’m doing just fine,” he bit out. He didn’t particularly feel embarrassed about the way he lived, his safe house only having necessities and nothing more but he didn’t like being judged about it either. Surviving wasn’t an easy thing to do, especially without a stable day job.

“Dude, your bed is a mattress and thin sheet for a blanket. How the hell are you planning on surviving Gotham’s winter like this?” Jason pressed his lips together into a thin line, unimpressed.

“The same way I have for years. This really isn’t any of your business, Jason.” Dick crossed his arms, hoping that the younger would drop the topic but he didn’t.

“Look, I just want to help,” Jason said, taking a step forward and Dick watched him warily, his instincts perceiving the second Robin’s actions as threatening. “You have a chance of living better so why not take it?”

A laugh escaped Dick’s lips and he shook his head. “And that chance being living on Bruce’s money? No thank you. I am fine. I have been for years.”

Something dark flashed in Jason’s eyes, an emotion that he couldn’t place and the younger turned, marching into Dick’s room.

“What are you doing?” Dick asked, following after Jason only to find him stuffing what little he had into a plastic bag. “Jason, what are you doing?” he repeated, grabbing the younger’s arm.

“Since you’re a stubborn asshole with daddy issues, I’m fixing your problem in another way. I hope you like kids,” Jason said, tying the plastic bag.

Confusion rattled Dick, along with a fear that he refused to show anyone. “W-what?” he stammered as Jason pulled him out and towards the door of the safe house.

“You’re moving the fuck in with Roy, Kori and me and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

 

Dick stared at the little girl who stared back at him with big eyes, his fingers twitching nervously. On the couch, Roy sat, watching them with amusement and not doing a single thing to save Dick from his daughter. The bastard.

After Jason made his sudden announcement, they fought, throwing words and punches, kicking and screaming at one another until Dick was tackled to the ground. Any other day, the former Robin wouldn’t go down so easily but his body was running low on fuel and sleep. Once he was down, Jason threw him over his shoulder and then into his car, driving away without another word.

Dick didn’t want to admit it but as the car took off, the fear that he been pushing aside began to rear its ugly head, making him curl up in the backseat, breathing heavily. If Jason noticed him whispering and tracing numbers onto his palm, he didn’t make any comments and Dick was grateful for that. His pride had already taken too many hits in one day.

Upon their arrival, Jason had dragged Dick into his house, finding Kori and Roy in the living room watching TV and told them everything. Just like that, Dick was now a member of their household and he didn’t know what to do about that. Having lived alone for years, it was strange to have so many people around him, even stranger when Kori pulled him into her arms and cuddled him until Lian woke up.

Now, the freshly awakened member of the house stared at Dick like he was an alien from outer space. Kori had left, remembering that she had to meet up with Donna before she left town and Jason had abandoned him to make dinner (the traitor), leaving Dick alone with a child he wasn’t sure he could handle. It was weird how he could fight the strongest of villains without batting his eyes but under the scrutinizing gaze of a child, all he could do was squirm.

“I have decided!” Lian announced, slapping her palms against Dick’s cheeks. “You’ll be my new prince because your eyes are prettier than Jay-jay’s.”

Relief flooded through Dick and he felt himself relax under Lian’s gaze, the verdict not being as cruel as he assumed. Roy, on the other hand, was laughing out loud, slapping his hand on his thigh.

“Man, you should have seen the look on your face,” he howled and Dick shot him a glare.

He covered Lian’s ears and described to Roy all the horrible ways in which he could kill a man. The archer, however, was unfazed, grinning easily.

“Welcome home, Dickie,” he said.

And maybe, just maybe, this change wasn’t that bad.

 

iii.

Dick woke up with a start, heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to breathe, throat closed up. Twisting to grab something, anything to ground him to reality, he stumbled off the couch and hit the floor, pain shooting up his body. Shivering, he curled up into a ball, feeling his own fingers trail up his skin, wrapping around his throat. “Should have stayed dead. Should have stayed dead,” he chanted, wide-eyed and still in a trance.

A voice in his head reminded him that he was awake, the nightmare was over but his mind pulled him back into the darkness until he could feel a pressure on his neck. “Should have stayed dead,” he whimpered, nails digging into his skin.

“Should have stayed dead,” he silently cried because Lian had been added to the list of people he had failed to save.

Lying on the floor, Dick cried and cried, ashamed of how weak he was, ashamed that his mind would do something so cruel to an innocent child. How was he supposed to look Roy in the eyes now?  How was he supposed to smile at Lian knowing that someday, accidentally he could hurt her because of how messed up he was? This was a mistake. Living here was a mistake. Being surrounded by people was a mistake. Breathing was a mistake.

 “Dickie?” A voice called out, piercing through the dark and for a minute, Dick froze, remembering his dream.

“No, no, no, no, no,” he whispered to himself. He couldn’t be here. The Joker couldn’t be here.

A hand settled on his shoulder, making him jump up, hands flailing wildly until Jason came into view, hair disheveled and eyes full of worry. “Hey, hey, Dick it’s just me,” the younger assured.

“Jason?” Dick whispered, tracing the former Robin’s cheek with his fingers, feeling their heat under his skin. “You’re alive. You’re alive.”

Jason didn’t say anything for a while, eyes searching Dick for answers until they landed on the crescent moon shaped scars on his neck. Taking in a shaky breath, he pulled Dick into his arms, rubbing his back soothingly, not saying a word. Instead, he began to hum a song that sounded so familiar, so gentle that all Dick could hear was Jason’s voice and nothing else.

“You’re home now, Dickie. You’re safe,” Jason whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to Dick’s forehead.

“I’m home. I’m safe,” Dick repeated, feeling assurance in younger’s words.

With that, Jason started humming once again, lifting Dick’s hand and tracing numbers on his palm, calming the older down. He hummed and traced until Dick’s heavy eyes closed, hummed as he tried to stay awake, traced even after he fell asleep.

“You’re safe,” Jason whispered to no one as he gathered the sleeping Talon in his arms, holding him protectively.

 

When Dick woke up, he found himself in a room unfamiliar. The last thing he remembered was waking up, struck by another nightmare. He had no memory of leaving the living room or crawling into someone else’s bed. Oh god, what had he done? Dick wished the ground would split open and swallow him whole.

He had just gotten to his feet, wondering how to leave the room and face everyone when the door opened and Jason peeked in. “Hey, slept well?” he asked.

“Is… is this your room?” Dick asked, unsure and Jason nodded.

“I wasn’t sure about leaving you alone after last night,” he admitted.

Dick’s brows furrowed as he tried to remember what happened but it didn’t take long for his memories to come back to him. He remembered breaking down. He remembered hurting but most of all, he remembered Jason’s soothing hands and the lullaby he hummed.

“… I’m so sorry,” he whispered, slumping onto the bed and burying his face in his hands.

“Hey, hey,” Jason whispered, prying his fingers away so he could get a look at his face. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. In our line of work, we all have nightmares. We all break down.”

“I think I’m a little more messed up than that.” Dick smiled sadly.

“Dick, you died. You fucking died and then came back to life, only to go through hell over and over. None of us would hold it against you if you broke down because what you’ve been through, it couldn’t have been easy at all. I just wish you’d stop being so hard on yourself,” Jason said, sitting in front of Dick.

“I don’t know how,” the older admitted.

For a while, the two of them didn’t say anything but Jason ran his fingers over Dick’s hand, tracing gentle patterns on his skin.

“Have you ever thought of getting help?” he asked, looking up.

Dick laughed. “Help from whom? Who out there can listen to the shit I’ve been through and not call me a liar?”

“Dick, the lives we live aren’t easy, at all. We see things that fuck us up and sometimes we need help. I know for a fact that the league has a list of therapists that have been vetted and are safe to go to. All you have to do is ask and we can get you the help you need,” Jason answered, squeezing his hand and Dick looked away, chewing on his lower lip.

He couldn’t believe that there was someone out there who could even begin to understand his mind or what was wrong with it. Even if they tried, he was sure they would give up. Dick was broken and couldn’t be fixed.

But, god, he was tired of the nightmares, of waking up scared. Tired of not being able to be around people without doubting their every action. Tired of looking in the mirror and hating everything he was. He was tired, so very tired and all he wanted was for some of the pain to ease.

“What do you say?” Jason asked and Dick looked up at him, seeing the smile on his face, the hope in his eyes that one day, the former Robin would be okay.

“Alright. I’ll try.”

Even if it didn’t work, even if he had to try over and over, Dick would do it because he didn’t want to be alone anymore. He didn’t want to leave his family behind.

**Author's Note:**

> I know the story itself is heavy on angst but I promise as more parts come, there will be fluff to compensate uwu
> 
> Let me know what you guys think and if you want, you can find me on Tumblr @behindtherobinsmask


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